“I don’t feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning.”
The other day was the end of my Fall Semester. Grading papers. Class lectures. Student evaluations. All of that is behind me for about a month. Up until now, the time I’ve devoted to running has been “minimal,” to say the least. Two days a week if I’m lucky. And with the prospect of Baby Nut on the way I’m not sure how much running I will be doing over the course of the coming months anyways. This has been really challenging. Both mentally and physically. I feel like this past semester marked a shift in my values, a shift in what I held to be important for my life. Katie could tell you how, just a few years ago, my not getting in a run or my having to hold back when we were both out together meant me turning into a bit of a passive-aggresive asshole. No joke.
But here I am. Totally fine with how this past semester went: sometimes two or one or no runs in a week. I love running. When I’m on the trails there is a palpable sense of release, an exhale of comfort even when I’m feeling uncomfortable. So how can I not miss it? How can I sacrifice runs and be fine with it?
Well, I do miss it. But I wouldn’t call their absence a sacrifice. Triage is more like it. When you have responsibilities that dictate your life in a certain direction (re: being a teacher; oh, and how about becoming a dad!) you can either resist the flow and fight what you can’t change; or you can accept those things you can control and move ahead with life. I chose the latter.
I truly hope that I will be able to start running again. My class in the Spring won’t require me developing it from scratch since I’ve already taught it once before. Having a baby, though, will require some serious compromise and willingness to be flexible. Both Katie and I want/need/hope to be out running, but when/where/how and what that will look like remains to be seen. It might not be until after little Nut arrives, but I can positively say that the desire to be out there has not waned.
The trails are out there, calling me, and my shoes are ready and laced up. My baby Nut is out there too, calling (and kicking at) me, and my heart is ready and open. All of us are always in a state of becoming it is just that sometimes that becoming is so palpable and real—Nut literally is and will continue to be “becoming” right in front of me. What will all of this bring?